THE BLOG
RAW. REAL. UNFILTERED.
THE BLOG
RAW. REAL. UNFILTERED.
PERSONAL STORIES
"I felt like I was actually their with you. I actually had an adrenaline rush." - Reader
My Childhood
My Childhood
My Early Years
Who am I?
Well, before I bring you through a short timeline of my life and speak on my experiences and my perspective on those experiences, know this:
My parents did an incredible job at raising me and my younger brother with what they had, which in the physical aspect, wasn't much but what they lacked in money and resources, they made up for in love and I wouldn't change it for the world.
As a young... rather poor kid, my parents were fighting all the time about money as we bounced around from trailer park to apartment to living with family until it eventually destroyed their relationship.
Up until a few years ago, I couldn't recall memories of my parents expressing much love to each other.
I now understand how memories attach to emotions and how they are prioritized to protect us, so I'm sure the expression of love happened but for the first 30 years of my life that was my truth. and it drove me.
I desired to build a life where money wouldn't destroy my relationship and where my kids wouldn't have to experience the pain that I experienced.
It also drove me to find ways to serve and help prevent others from feeling the pain, fear, and trauma that I felt as a child.
The "bowl-cut" days...
The pain wasn't just from watching my parents fight, the instability of my environment or living situation but also in school.
My clothes weren't as nice as the other kids, and the clothes that would have been of equal "status" were too big for me as they were my cousin's hand-me-downs.
Between all of that, me getting bullied in school for my clothes, and the frequent "no" I would get from my parents when I asked for money to go to the candy store or movies with my friends... I decided to take responsibility at a very young age.
I'm not saying they told me "no" every time. My parents worked their ass off to be able to say "yes". But I was told "no" just enough times to take action.
Of course, I had tried the seasonal ventures of raking leaves, shoveling snow, and washing cars... but it wasn't enough.
At the age of 10, I became a paperboy with two routes. In the dead of winter in Upstate New York, I'd wake up at 4-5am, fold, rubberband and bag hundreds of newspapers. If I was lucky, my dad's truck would start and I'd sit on the tailgate, jumping off, delivering the papers as he drove the route. If not, we'd wrap bags around my feet, stuff them in my boots and I'd hoof it on my own.
At 13 years old, I began working illegally washing dishes in the back of Smokey's Tavern for $35 a night.
That same year, I had found a backpack on my friends front lawn with a few grams of weed in it. I had never smoked weed before so I sold the 8th for $35 to an older kid.
I immediately realized I had made the same amount of money in one minute that I did while washing dishes for 7 hours on a Friday night.
So I kept working at Smokey's Tavern and used that money to then buy a half ounce. Then a full ounce. Then a pound.
As if 13 wasn't already off to a promising start, I was arrested that summer for burglary that just so happen to be a police officer's house, which he came home to while myself and a group of older teens were inside.
Little did I know, they brought me as the youngest so I could take the rap since they were all older.
"Tough Guy" Persona
There was a lot that went on during my teens that played a role in my development.
I continued working my way up to better paying positions in restaurants, began delivering pizza and continued to stupidly sell weed on the side.
In school I was passing by the skin of my teeth, getting in lots of fights and throughout high school managed to get suspended 17 times... (if I recall correctly as I was stupidly proud of it back then).
But to be clear, most of the fights I got into were me protecting others. Whether it was punching one of the "rich kids" in the mouth for bullying someone, beating up one of my girl cousin's shitty boyfriends or the older neighborhood kids that messed with my little brother.
I spent all my time after school either at practice for whatever sport I was playing or at the Booker T. Washington Community Center.
Growing up as one of the only white kids at BTW, I found myself in more fights. Luckily, being good at basketball, dancing and fighting, I gradually earned respect and developed a second home there.
While all this was taking place, I was still a known athlete who was the captain of several teams but my ways of leading were flawed.
I led by example when it came to how I showed up on the field or the court, as well as how I protected my team and put them first but off the field, I failed to lead by example.
Between 16 and 18 I was arrested 3 more times for drugs, violence and more.
At the time, I lacked the awareness to realize that the whole "tough guy" persona I had built was actually to protect myself.
I had a lot of insecurities. Whether I was actually poor or felt poor, I struggled with self-worth. There were times where I wouldn't get the invite to things or would be excluded and left out which made me feel unwanted, especially when it was close friends. And because kids are mean, I also had insecurities around my body and developed a bad relationship with food because my friends would make fun of me for not being in as good of shape as them.
I had confused fear with respect and thought if it was known that I could fight, people wouldn't fuck with me or do anything to hurt my feelings.
It didn't work as well as I thought it would...
Growing up
My late cousin Jenna babysat me often as a kid and engrained the quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world" from Mahatma Gandhi in my head and it stuck with me up until this point.
I had my own negative experiences with the police due to my own poor choices but there were many times where I'd be walking at night with my friends who were all African American, and the police would stop to question us. During most if not all of those encounters, the police treated me better than they did my friends, which I could only assume was because I was white. And this pissed me off.
This, paired with my nature to protect those who couldn't protect themselves, and my drive to serve others to prevent further pain and suffering...
Along with my limiting beliefs that I had a horrible memory, wasn't book-smart and was only street smart, the only way, or best way I saw for myself to be the change I wished to see in the world was...
To become the Police.
Which proved to be very difficult with a record... but not impossible.
Read the next part of my story here!
TACTICAL TOOLS
In A World Where They Tell You The WHAT, To Sell You The HOW
Here It Is... For Free.
My Childhood
My Childhood
My Early Years
Who am I?
Well, before I bring you through a short timeline of my life and speak on my experiences and my perspective on those experiences, know this:
My parents did an incredible job at raising me and my younger brother with what they had, which in the physical aspect, wasn't much but what they lacked in money and resources, they made up for in love and I wouldn't change it for the world.
As a young... rather poor kid, my parents were fighting all the time about money as we bounced around from trailer park to apartment to living with family until it eventually destroyed their relationship.
Up until a few years ago, I couldn't recall memories of my parents expressing much love to each other.
I now understand how memories attach to emotions and how they are prioritized to protect us, so I'm sure the expression of love happened but for the first 30 years of my life that was my truth. and it drove me.
I desired to build a life where money wouldn't destroy my relationship and where my kids wouldn't have to experience the pain that I experienced.
It also drove me to find ways to serve and help prevent others from feeling the pain, fear, and trauma that I felt as a child.
The "bowl-cut" days...
The pain wasn't just from watching my parents fight, the instability of my environment or living situation but also in school.
My clothes weren't as nice as the other kids, and the clothes that would have been of equal "status" were too big for me as they were my cousin's hand-me-downs.
Between all of that, me getting bullied in school for my clothes, and the frequent "no" I would get from my parents when I asked for money to go to the candy store or movies with my friends... I decided to take responsibility at a very young age.
I'm not saying they told me "no" every time. My parents worked their ass off to be able to say "yes". But I was told "no" just enough times to take action.
Of course, I had tried the seasonal ventures of raking leaves, shoveling snow, and washing cars... but it wasn't enough.
At the age of 10, I became a paperboy with two routes. In the dead of winter in Upstate New York, I'd wake up at 4-5am, fold, rubberband and bag hundreds of newspapers. If I was lucky, my dad's truck would start and I'd sit on the tailgate, jumping off, delivering the papers as he drove the route. If not, we'd wrap bags around my feet, stuff them in my boots and I'd hoof it on my own.
At 13 years old, I began working illegally washing dishes in the back of Smokey's Tavern for $35 a night.
That same year, I had found a backpack on my friends front lawn with a few grams of weed in it. I had never smoked weed before so I sold the 8th for $35 to an older kid.
I immediately realized I had made the same amount of money in one minute that I did while washing dishes for 7 hours on a Friday night.
So I kept working at Smokey's Tavern and used that money to then buy a half ounce. Then a full ounce. Then a pound.
As if 13 wasn't already off to a promising start, I was arrested that summer for burglary that just so happen to be a police officer's house, which he came home to while myself and a group of older teens were inside.
Little did I know, they brought me as the youngest so I could take the rap since they were all older.
"Tough Guy" Persona
There was a lot that went on during my teens that played a role in my development.
I continued working my way up to better paying positions in restaurants, began delivering pizza and continued to stupidly sell weed on the side.
In school I was passing by the skin of my teeth, getting in lots of fights and throughout high school managed to get suspended 17 times... (if I recall correctly as I was stupidly proud of it back then).
But to be clear, most of the fights I got into were me protecting others. Whether it was punching one of the "rich kids" in the mouth for bullying someone, beating up one of my girl cousin's shitty boyfriends or the older neighborhood kids that messed with my little brother.
I spent all my time after school either at practice for whatever sport I was playing or at the Booker T. Washington Community Center.
Growing up as one of the only white kids at BTW, I found myself in more fights. Luckily, being good at basketball, dancing and fighting, I gradually earned respect and developed a second home there.
While all this was taking place, I was still a known athlete who was the captain of several teams but my ways of leading were flawed.
I led by example when it came to how I showed up on the field or the court, as well as how I protected my team and put them first but off the field, I failed to lead by example.
Between 16 and 18 I was arrested 3 more times for drugs, violence and more.
At the time, I lacked the awareness to realize that the whole "tough guy" persona I had built was actually to protect myself.
I had a lot of insecurities. Whether I was actually poor or felt poor, I struggled with self-worth. There were times where I wouldn't get the invite to things or would be excluded and left out which made me feel unwanted, especially when it was close friends. And because kids are mean, I also had insecurities around my body and developed a bad relationship with food because my friends would make fun of me for not being in as good of shape as them.
I had confused fear with respect and thought if it was known that I could fight, people wouldn't fuck with me or do anything to hurt my feelings.
It didn't work as well as I thought it would...
Growing up
My late cousin Jenna babysat me often as a kid and engrained the quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world" from Mahatma Gandhi in my head and it stuck with me up until this point.
I had my own negative experiences with the police due to my own poor choices but there were many times where I'd be walking at night with my friends who were all African American, and the police would stop to question us. During most if not all of those encounters, the police treated me better than they did my friends, which I could only assume was because I was white. And this pissed me off.
This, paired with my nature to protect those who couldn't protect themselves, and my drive to serve others to prevent further pain and suffering...
Along with my limiting beliefs that I had a horrible memory, wasn't book-smart and was only street smart, the only way, or best way I saw for myself to be the change I wished to see in the world was...
To become the Police.
Which proved to be very difficult with a record... but not impossible.
Read the next part of my story here!
THE CREATIVE SIDE
Seemingly Insignificant Words On A Napkin Or Someone Else's Truth?
My Childhood
My Childhood
My Early Years
Who am I?
Well, before I bring you through a short timeline of my life and speak on my experiences and my perspective on those experiences, know this:
My parents did an incredible job at raising me and my younger brother with what they had, which in the physical aspect, wasn't much but what they lacked in money and resources, they made up for in love and I wouldn't change it for the world.
As a young... rather poor kid, my parents were fighting all the time about money as we bounced around from trailer park to apartment to living with family until it eventually destroyed their relationship.
Up until a few years ago, I couldn't recall memories of my parents expressing much love to each other.
I now understand how memories attach to emotions and how they are prioritized to protect us, so I'm sure the expression of love happened but for the first 30 years of my life that was my truth. and it drove me.
I desired to build a life where money wouldn't destroy my relationship and where my kids wouldn't have to experience the pain that I experienced.
It also drove me to find ways to serve and help prevent others from feeling the pain, fear, and trauma that I felt as a child.
The "bowl-cut" days...
The pain wasn't just from watching my parents fight, the instability of my environment or living situation but also in school.
My clothes weren't as nice as the other kids, and the clothes that would have been of equal "status" were too big for me as they were my cousin's hand-me-downs.
Between all of that, me getting bullied in school for my clothes, and the frequent "no" I would get from my parents when I asked for money to go to the candy store or movies with my friends... I decided to take responsibility at a very young age.
I'm not saying they told me "no" every time. My parents worked their ass off to be able to say "yes". But I was told "no" just enough times to take action.
Of course, I had tried the seasonal ventures of raking leaves, shoveling snow, and washing cars... but it wasn't enough.
At the age of 10, I became a paperboy with two routes. In the dead of winter in Upstate New York, I'd wake up at 4-5am, fold, rubberband and bag hundreds of newspapers. If I was lucky, my dad's truck would start and I'd sit on the tailgate, jumping off, delivering the papers as he drove the route. If not, we'd wrap bags around my feet, stuff them in my boots and I'd hoof it on my own.
At 13 years old, I began working illegally washing dishes in the back of Smokey's Tavern for $35 a night.
That same year, I had found a backpack on my friends front lawn with a few grams of weed in it. I had never smoked weed before so I sold the 8th for $35 to an older kid.
I immediately realized I had made the same amount of money in one minute that I did while washing dishes for 7 hours on a Friday night.
So I kept working at Smokey's Tavern and used that money to then buy a half ounce. Then a full ounce. Then a pound.
As if 13 wasn't already off to a promising start, I was arrested that summer for burglary that just so happen to be a police officer's house, which he came home to while myself and a group of older teens were inside.
Little did I know, they brought me as the youngest so I could take the rap since they were all older.
"Tough Guy" Persona
There was a lot that went on during my teens that played a role in my development.
I continued working my way up to better paying positions in restaurants, began delivering pizza and continued to stupidly sell weed on the side.
In school I was passing by the skin of my teeth, getting in lots of fights and throughout high school managed to get suspended 17 times... (if I recall correctly as I was stupidly proud of it back then).
But to be clear, most of the fights I got into were me protecting others. Whether it was punching one of the "rich kids" in the mouth for bullying someone, beating up one of my girl cousin's shitty boyfriends or the older neighborhood kids that messed with my little brother.
I spent all my time after school either at practice for whatever sport I was playing or at the Booker T. Washington Community Center.
Growing up as one of the only white kids at BTW, I found myself in more fights. Luckily, being good at basketball, dancing and fighting, I gradually earned respect and developed a second home there.
While all this was taking place, I was still a known athlete who was the captain of several teams but my ways of leading were flawed.
I led by example when it came to how I showed up on the field or the court, as well as how I protected my team and put them first but off the field, I failed to lead by example.
Between 16 and 18 I was arrested 3 more times for drugs, violence and more.
At the time, I lacked the awareness to realize that the whole "tough guy" persona I had built was actually to protect myself.
I had a lot of insecurities. Whether I was actually poor or felt poor, I struggled with self-worth. There were times where I wouldn't get the invite to things or would be excluded and left out which made me feel unwanted, especially when it was close friends. And because kids are mean, I also had insecurities around my body and developed a bad relationship with food because my friends would make fun of me for not being in as good of shape as them.
I had confused fear with respect and thought if it was known that I could fight, people wouldn't fuck with me or do anything to hurt my feelings.
It didn't work as well as I thought it would...
Growing up
My late cousin Jenna babysat me often as a kid and engrained the quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world" from Mahatma Gandhi in my head and it stuck with me up until this point.
I had my own negative experiences with the police due to my own poor choices but there were many times where I'd be walking at night with my friends who were all African American, and the police would stop to question us. During most if not all of those encounters, the police treated me better than they did my friends, which I could only assume was because I was white. And this pissed me off.
This, paired with my nature to protect those who couldn't protect themselves, and my drive to serve others to prevent further pain and suffering...
Along with my limiting beliefs that I had a horrible memory, wasn't book-smart and was only street smart, the only way, or best way I saw for myself to be the change I wished to see in the world was...
To become the Police.
Which proved to be very difficult with a record... but not impossible.
Read the next part of my story here!
